dekeonus baisenvar

ah happiness is a couple of efexors ...

2009-10-06T04:12:39Z

and not because they are antidepressants, but the cessation of the cessation symptoms

crappy vision, thanks for The Force

2009-10-01T05:16:54Z

NO NO NO, RTA NO you can't use footage with macoblocking dropping over 30% of your frame's detail into coloured squares and then ask "You are on a two lane road driving at 100km/h. press the screen when you would slow down" umm err fuck off If my vision looked like that I'd go back to sleep for a couple of hours before considering driving again.

But then I drive solely by 'The Force' so the test was neither here nor there, but how do normal pass it?

Posted using LJ Talk...

2009-09-30T19:24:45Z

Nope I'm actually freezing cold, not under cns reaction.

9/9 for the beyondblue flyer ... oh

2009-09-27T17:07:28Z

I'm so trapped and I don't know how to get out properly.

people are so fucked

don't bother trying to be the superior soul ppl will just tell you you're a fuckwit for trying to do the right thing, the altruistic thing.
or the flip side you get taken advantage of ... unknowns, family, friends, loved ones, hated ones, indifferent ones

whatever

I am no more than an annoying stick in the mud

2009-09-26T12:46:16Z

a nuisance that it is in your way, odd in it's positioning in the mud.

boorish or suffering, I wouldn't pay much heed either.

so, simply sorry

dekeonus @ 2009-09-26T21:59:00

2009-09-26T11:59:24Z

all externally human initiated environmental change in my life has always been to my detriment: everytime someone wants to reorganise, rearrange move rooms / move house I end up having the working set of my environment reduced or buggered.

all requests of me trigger defensive processes because I expect more to be taken from me and nothing to replace the losses.

so over my shit

2009-09-26T11:30:10Z

why am I so fucking useless about doing anything. it's not about being judged or being liked, I'm so tired of being shafted. I am either taken for granted or ignored no exceptions!! I turned 30 and no one cared ... and finally that night everyone went home or to sleep and I could finally weep. This comprises much of my life, holding together just twisting under pressure waiting to be left alone so I can weep ... I 'm so very tired of all this shit

Posted using LJ Talk...

2009-03-21T14:29:03Z

fantastic evolution is broken in very weird and wonderful ways now as well. Now to the evolution dev's WHY IS THERE NO REBUILD FOLDER INDEX option for a imap folder you fuckwits

back to xfce4

2009-03-21T14:11:27Z

sometimes I really really hate the gentoo gnome herd sometimes, gnome-2.24 finally went 'stable' but the actual in use reality is that it now is entirely borked and I've no idea where the defect lies ... and as far as I can tell the package dependencies are all stable versions without any compile time option to use any of my unstable packages ... it all seems to boil down to libxklavier dummying spitting over client miss-configuration (compile time configuration).

so for non readers that's the fucking keyboard layout configuration library. really gnome just won't work because the keyboard is hard configured elsewhere. rather than being hotplug attached configuration.

Now every other distro seems to have a working libxklavier - Xserver - gnome-settings-daemon setup working out of the box ... now why can't the gentoo gnome herd do it?

grrr Microcrap

2009-02-18T14:57:23Z

... and most times you will find the microsoft OS to be a complete crock

sigh it's getting harder now.

2009-02-12T17:20:56Z

I try hard to see the good, the light in all I deal with. I assume good intent from friendly people. I wave much off as 'a callous action, arising from self-focus and fear' -not being aware of the greater consequences and acting as though the self operated within a void, a closed system empty of other feeling entities. However in these instances I still assume the entity is basically wanting good and to not cause pain and/or suffering.
I find that I am withdrawing further and further. I feel as though I am regularly being used ripped off demonised hurt and sorely disappointed. I can't guarantee that it isn't just in my head, and I don't feel anyone deserves to listen to my sludge. That's somewhat moot as I can't talk to anyone ... I don't know what words to say if I have any at all. the only things I have to say are boorish. I can not make small talk or general conversation. I feel wrapped rolled cocooned in my despair and loneliness. I despair future partners, I've nothing to offer. I despair future friends, I just bring baggage and shit into their lives. I'm drifting further and further out, sinking further and further down. I can't talk to people I don't really know, I'm afraid they will hurt me. I can't really talk to people I know, I'm afraid I will hurt them.
it's are getting harder now.

Posted using LJ Talk...

2008-12-07T13:33:14Z

I'm finding it really hard to try anymore. What's point, not interesting not ambitious, incapable of relating to people anymore.

perchance I was born to enduring suffering ... I've know so little else

argh, why do I find ppl so stressfull

2008-12-07T01:46:04Z

a mismatched timing, or lack of interest I don't know. Overly burdened, and in a few instances unfairly balanced or more without balance and so very very draining.

I'm just not relating well to ppl at all. So hard to make headway when you're expected to fail, and all manner of discourse is cheerily ignored

happy birthday nymoe!!!

2007-03-14T23:10:37Z

happy birthday nymoe I send you love and good will and a mental concept of whatever you have planned goes as you dream it will. mjau mjau purr purr purr

how odd

2007-02-05T12:07:06Z

just listening to music thinking about how dinner was going to look and what I was going to test in the email system and a thought passed in front of the observers lens 'to kill a mind worm you lure to the ego and then collapse the ego' and the voice was mine ... ok what??

vent vent vent

2007-01-22T03:53:11Z

grrr I am $%&#^%H pissed off I've spend 45min with my hands in someone else's piss cleaning plaque left because they can't fucking flush or clean their own mess up!!!

stupid

2007-01-08T16:31:44Z

whythe fuck do my nightmares and disturbing dreaming dreams have to always be about mel this is just fucked and useless

awake now

2007-01-01T17:36:29Z

is the Frank bot awake now, hmm perchance the goatbot doesn't like html tags ...

damn it

2007-01-01T17:26:44Z

The Boy Next Door
Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDm)

Kind, yearning, playful, you are The Boy Next Door. You're looking for real Love, a lot like girls do. It might not be manly, but it's sweet.

We think the next three years will be very exciting and fruitful ones for you. Your spontaneous, creative side makes you a charming date, and we think you have a horny side just waiting to shine. Or glisten, rather. You enter new relationships unusually hopeful, and the first moments are especially glorious. If you've had some things not work out before, so what.

Your exact opposite:
The 5-Night Stand

Deliberate Brutal Sex Master

On paper, most girls would name the Boy Next Door as their ideal mate. In the real world, however, you're often passed over for more dangerous or masculine men. You're the typical "nice guy:" without just a touch of cockiness, you're doomed with girls. A shoulder to cry on? Okay, sure. But never a penis to hold.

More than any other type, Boys Next Door evolve as they get older. As we said, many find true love, but some fail miserably in the search. These tarnished few grow up to be The Men Next Door, who are creepy as hell, offering backrubs to kids and what not.

ALWAYS AVOID: The Nymph

CONSIDER: The Maid of Honor, The Peach

Deliberate	Gentle	Love	Dreamer	The Slow Dancer	The Sonnet
Deliberate	Gentle	Love	Master	The Gentleman	The Maid of Honor
Deliberate	Gentle	Sex	Dreamer	The Backrubber	The Intern
Deliberate	Gentle	Sex	Master	The Bachelor	The Dirty Little Secret
Deliberate	Brutal	Love	Dreamer	The Mixed Messenger	The Priss
Deliberate	Brutal	Love	Master	The False Messiah	The Battleaxe
Deliberate	Brutal	Sex	Dreamer	The Billy Goat	The Nymph
Deliberate	Brutal	Sex	Master	The 5-Night Stand	The Stiletto
Random	Gentle	Love	Dreamer	The Boy Next Door	The Window Shopper
Random	Gentle	Love	Master	The Loverboy	The Peach
Random	Gentle	Sex	Dreamer	The Poolboy	The Nurse
Random	Gentle	Sex	Master	The Playboy	The Playstation
Random	Brutal	Love	Dreamer	The Manchild	The Wild Rose
Random	Brutal	Love	Master	The Vapor Trail	The Sudden Departure
Random	Brutal	Sex	Dreamer	The Last Man on Earth	Half-Cocked
Random	Brutal	Sex	Master	The Hornivore	Genghis Khunt

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.

Gollem and loincloths

2006-10-30T17:32:14Z

Hmm interesting that Gollem still wore a loincloth, so he was not entirely lost from civilisation well more he had not abandoned civilisation completely. the loincloth being originally used to socialise the genitalia The “primitive” man does not at all deny his virility, but displays it in such a way as to indicate also that he controls his sexuality and channels its energies in a socially responsible way The Loincloth of Borneo

although Gollem was of age by time the ring found him so it may be just habitual

I just don't know

2006-06-30T03:48:30Z

I’m really lost. and I guess I’m still in shock.

mooglet told me to fight, but it is very frustrating to fight when you can’t engage the person.

I still really hurt and I don’t know why. I don’t know why mel stopped believing in me. I didn’t believe in myself but I had always believed in mel, I finally believed in us and I thought mel believed in me and that was enough for me to try.

I thought things were good between us. that phone call when mel told me she didn’t want to be with me was and still is bewildering. I’ve been told that mel has changed and that she fell out of love with me. but that doesn’t tell me why which is what I’m trying to / needing to know. what were the primitives what were the driving factors. My assumption is that mel discussed with her travelling partners what she was feeling what she was experiencing but I don’t have the benefit of having been part of that process or knowing that process.

I can’t reconcile this loss because I don’t know why I am suffering.

am I just being an arsehole and should I just accept that mel has changed. I really don’t know, I feel I deserve the complete answer but am I just whinging.

I really wanted to have adventures with mel and grow and develop with mel, but that plan is all fucked up now. so ... now what?
I’m sick of people telling me I have to be happy in myself -yes no shit, but what are you meaning by that you can be comfortable with who you are and your progression but if you mean to imply you must be happy all on your lonesome then I really doubt you have experienced real isolation and alienation, no person is an island. if you can’t feel connected to other people then you can’t feel that inter-personal feedback, and that is an unpleasant cycle. so how do you break that cycle?

touchpads!!!

2006-06-28T22:14:06Z

my god do I hate using touch pads, they just seem to register touches when you just don't want them to.

dekeonus @ 2006-06-24T04:37:00

2006-06-24T03:38:41Z

You Are an Espresso

At your best, you are: straight shooting, ambitious, and energetic

At your worst, you are: anxious and high strung

You drink coffee when: anytime you're not sleeping

Your caffeine addiction level: high

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

empty updates

2006-06-19T05:49:55Z

I was going to write something but I've nothing to say

dekeonus @ 2006-05-27T21:36:00

2006-05-27T20:36:19Z

I’m not sure I want to be connected to emotions, the gains I have made are inconsequential to my losses.
I have gained a friend in my father (not what I consider a close friend but a friend)
I have lost my the source of the only real happiness and contentment I have ever known.
I have lost my best friend
I have lost my home (and friends helped that to be effected)
I have lost hope.
my emotions are being drowned by despair.

I saw Xmen3 today.
It is perhaps a good thing that I left my path long ago. I have so much pain, and it overwhelms me. had I still been upon my path I think I would destroy everything around me. I don’t understand, I can’t cope with my world.

dekeonus baisenvar

ah happiness is a couple of efexors ...

crappy vision, thanks for The Force

Posted using LJ Talk...

9/9 for the beyondblue flyer ... oh

I am no more than an annoying stick in the mud

dekeonus @ 2009-09-26T21:59:00

so over my shit

Posted using LJ Talk...

back to xfce4

grrr Microcrap

*sigh* it's getting harder now.

Posted using LJ Talk...

argh, why do I find ppl so stressfull

happy birthday nymoe!!!

how odd

vent vent vent

stupid

awake now

damn it

Gollem and loincloths

I just don't know

touchpads!!!

dekeonus @ 2006-06-24T04:37:00

empty updates

dekeonus @ 2006-05-27T21:36:00

sigh it's getting harder now.